Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
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*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.