Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things