Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
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Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
For those that worship cheese..
how to have fun when you’re poor
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”