Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
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Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
#ProTip
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Twitter fine art
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.