Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
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Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.