Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
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[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Breaking news:
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
is this a threat
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.