Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
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Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that