[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
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Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I’m giving up for Lent.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.