Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
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me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Eat…
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.