interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Wednesday
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.