My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
went fishing caught a bass
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.