INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
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The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency