INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
You Might Also Like
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.