Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
You Might Also Like
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.