Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
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*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn