Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
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Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.