New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
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Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can鈥檛 have a popsicle in the car. You鈥檒l get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
If u see me talking to myself don鈥檛 say nun to me I鈥檓 having a staff meeting
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn鈥檛 what i meant
*goes into Lowe鈥檚 for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I鈥檓 gonna take like 27 of those things?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Him: I can鈥檛 wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It鈥檚 just the sun doesn鈥檛 set until like 9pm and that鈥檚 way past my bedtime.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 馃
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
M: I鈥檓 gonna go relax
H: ok I鈥檓 gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Hypnotist: you鈥檙e feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes