interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
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If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Remember folks 😂
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”