Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
(Musicians.)
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
live long and prosper!
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*