Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
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If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.