Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
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I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Jogging
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
When I said I liked it rough.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now