Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
If I ignore life will it go away?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Spider-cat: No One Home
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.