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Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
X-tra spooky blend
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭