interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
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Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.