interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
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imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.