Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.