Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.