Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses