The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
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So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)