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[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?