@DaddyJew: Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?
Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you
@birbigs: Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
@petemandik: In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
@CabetoMejia: From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings
@Marcmywords2: " I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I'll gift him Favstar Pro".
Said no one ever.
@dxblarssonENG: I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don't have any tattoos.