@DaddyJew: Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?
Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you
@KevinBuffalo: I don't wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
@AwkwardComedy: "Password is incorrect"
"New password cannot be the same as the old password"
@batkaren: HER: What's your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: ... V-Verizon.
@SteveToyne: 'I'm Spartacus'
'No I'm Spartacus'
'I am Spartacus'
'I AM Spartacus'
'Look I just need someone to sign for the package'
@jeannerbeaner: "No more self-deprecating tweets," I whisper fatly.