My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I missed you with all my darts
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
happy friday
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.