I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
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Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
i’m sure it’s fine
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.