Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
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I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.