Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
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Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”