Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
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*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
We found love in a hopeless place.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.