Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
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“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
“Why you watching this shit?”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.