Love this guy
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I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
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Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Weirdos gonna weird.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.