INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”