INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Lucky old June.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.