interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
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“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Guantanamo Bae
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.