interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
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I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Smooooooth
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.