INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Stop it! 😂
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?