Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
You Might Also Like
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Me, in DM rooms…
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.