Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
You Might Also Like
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?