I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
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What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I think we should hear other voices.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My five year plan is a meteorite
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.