Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
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I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The asteroid..
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!