INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
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[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
all bases covered
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last