INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
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Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
i wish i could marry a nap
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.