Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
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My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
This could be us but you eatin’
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.