Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
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1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
i hate you platonically
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…